Competition entries

One homework exercise set for the group at the end of August 2010, was to complete a story, of which the first 226 words were supplied (shown here in italics), in an amusing way or with a happy ending. So herewith we present one of the many results:-

EMILY.

By Marion Chudley

Emily Greenacre had arrived at that stage of life, when otherwise inanimate objects about her would occasionally appear to move quicker than she could.

The edge of the sink for instance would, if she didn't keep an eye on it, fleetingly rise up and attempt to knock a freshly washed plate from her hand, just as she conveyed it to the drainer.

Deep armchairs would, during that tiny interval of time when one turns their back to them prior to sitting, momentarily move either forward or back, causing her to sit so far back in the upholstery that her legs stuck out horizontally in front of her, or so precariously close to the edge that her narrow bottom was at risk of slipping off completely

Today, Monday, when Emily habitually does her laundry, it was the doorway between the hall and scullery that had suddenly narrowed as she struggled through with a large laundry basket held across her bosom, causing her to bark the knuckles of her right hand.

With the basket dumped unceremoniously on the draining board Emily regarded her hand, saw the droplets of dark, almost black blood oozing through the tissue thin mottled skin and dabbed it away with a paper towel

What, she wondered with a broad grin, would be the next to attack her, the washing machine or the tumble dryer?

Emily brooded on this problem of the conspiracy by the inanimate objects in her life and came up with a cunning plan. Her career had been in the classroom and she knew how to deal with naughty children. Gleefully she fetched her white board, marker pen, and a newspaper. She rubbed off all the shopping lists and propped the board on the counter. Instantly, it slipped down and banged her sharply on the wrist.

“Ha! She gave it a sharp smack with the rolled up paper and wrote its name on the board. Later, when her book threw itself on the floor for the second time. (She'd given it a warning) its name went on the board with two days beside it, and she tied it shut with a piece of string. By the end of the day, the step from the kitchen, which had grown an inch during the afternoon and deliberately snagged Emily's slipper, had a label on it saying “Stay put or else.”, two of the dining room chairs which had stuck out legs in an attempt to trip her up, after a good thrashing, had been banished to the garden, the milk jug which had wilfully jumped off the shelf which was inexplicably higher than it had been on Sunday had been glued back together and wore a dunce's cap, and as for the hoover wire, most hated of all, as it hid behind the furniture and then snaked out suddenly around her ankles had been put in a plastic bag and hanged by its plug. By teatime Emily was 'cock a hoop'. The day had definitely been hers. True, she had a bruise on her wrist, no book to read, needed a new milk jug and the dining room chairs were a bit damp, but she's shown them.

When her son, Gavin, arrived after supper, he looked around suspiciously. He knew his mum was a bit eccentric and a little forgetful but what had she been up to now.

“Mum? Are you all right?”

“Never been better.”

“You certainly look pleased with yourself, but I can't find the teapot.”

“Ah! It's locked in the shed because it poured tea all over the carpet.”

“I see.”

“You'll have to manage with a teabag in a mug.”

“Right ! Why are the chairs in the garden?”

“They're in detention. I've had enough of the contents of this house conspiring against me. Even the floor has lowered itself six inches in the last twelve months and so I'm teaching them a lesson they won't forget in a hurry. Stop looking so worried. I haven't developed Alzheimer’s over night or gone potty. Instead of getting angry with this ageing lark which would be so easy, I'm just having a bit of fun and maybe being a bit more careful. I'm in charge so watch out, boy.”

“Mum I love you even if you are completely nuts. Are the biscuits detained?”

“'Fraid so. They wouldn't come out of their packet and then it split suddenly and some of them jumped in the sink. I drowned those and put the rest in the wardrobe for two days. No biscuits but I did write a poem about it. I'll read it to you.” Gavin sighed and flopped into an armchair which had a note pinned to it, saying “I'll tell you when I plan to sit down and you will stay perfectly still. Understood?”

Tyranny

I live in a world I cannot rule,

A slave to forces implacable.

Demanding my time and attention.

Slimy snide dishes lurk in the sink.

Grass grows when I am not looking.

Banished dust returns with some friends

And settles to rest with complacently.

Dark in the cupboard the wires thrash,

Writhing and twisting themselves into knots.

Utensils that hurl themselves to the floor

Have evilly lowered it by inches,

And lie there smirking out of my reach,

As my back bends stiff to their bidding.

Though I rant and resist and complain,

Such intransigent strength has me beat.

I detest them and they despise me,

Like a camouflaged sniper in hiding

They ambush me over and over

But I have plan of such cunning

I'll teach them a lesson for life

Detention and newspaper thrashing

Will show them I'm still the boss.

Reaping the Wind
by
Barbara Turner

Please click here to read the rest...

Highly Commended

The Wedding

by Kathleen Wratten

You are cordially invited to attend the wedding of

Francis Joseph Emperor of Austria

The Duchess Elisabeth Amalie Eugenie of Bavaria

St Augustine’s Church, Vienna

24^th Day of April 1854

Hofburg Palace

Vienna

July 1853

Dearest Mama

We are all beside ourselves with excitement. We have had news that the Emperor, Francis Joseph, is going with his Mama to meet with her sister, the Duchess Ludovica in the royal summer retreat in Ischl.

It is believed that the Archduchess Sophia does not like her sister, the Duchess Ludovica, but I think it is only that the house in Bavaria is not run to the strict rules of Spanish etiquette as we must do here at the Palace (you remember how difficult I found it when I first arrived to work as an under maid). I believe the younger daughter of the house is allowed to ride out alone!

But I am straying from the news. It is said that the reason for the visit is so that the Emperor may meet the Duchess’ elder daughter, Helen, and we are all expecting to hear of a betrothal.

Perhaps the new Empress will wish to have a younger lady in waiting, so I am working hard and trying to learn more of the ways of court. A lady in waiting must, of course, always be aware of the etiquette.

I shall write again soon and maybe it will be with good news.

I send my fondest love to Papa and Gregor and Phillip. I still miss my brothers and often think of when we all played together before I left for Vienna.

Your affectionate daughter

Matilde

Hofburg Palace

Vienna

August 1853

Dearest Mama

Oh it is so romantic; my heart is beating even as I write this letter so that I can barely contain myself. We had expected to have news of a betrothal after the visit of the Emperor and his mother to Bavaria, and so it was.

I will try and tell the story from the beginning, as all good stories should, and as it was told to me by one of the footmen, Johan.

The Emperor, Francis Joseph, and his mother, the Archduchess Sophia, went on their visit to meet the Countess Ludovica and her daughter, Helen, in Ischl. The Count could not leave for business reasons so the Countess had included within the party her youngest daughter, Elizabeth.

They had arrived in Ischl tired after the long journey and still wearing mourning clothes for the death of an aunt of the Queen of Bavaria.

Johan said that the Princess Helen looked pale and drawn and he was not surprised when the Emperor showed little attention to her, only as much as was polite. Instead he seemed captivated by the Princess Elizabeth who is tall, very slim and has the most incredible auburn hair that reaches almost to her knees.

The following day there was a ball and the Princess Helen looked glorious in her ball gown but it was too late – the Emperor had eyes only for the Princess Elizabeth or Sisi as everyone calls her. He danced with no one but her all evening and by the end everyone in the room was left in no doubt that the Emperor had fallen in love with the Princess.

The Emperor’s birthday fell the next day and amid all the celebrations he begged that his mother should go to her sister to ask for Sisi’s hand in marriage.

Oh, Johan said he had never seen the Emperor looking happier than he was that day.

On Sunday they went to Church and once Mass was over the Emperor took Sisi by the hand and asked for the Priest’s blessing on their future marriage. Can you believe anything could be more romantic, in front of the whole congregation?

They spent the entire month of July together in Ischl and everywhere they went people threw flowers and all was decorated in ribbons in celebration.

The Emperor has been much subdued since he returned to Vienna and I believe he is only waiting until he can see Sisi again.

Mama, Sisi is not yet sixteen, the same age as me. Perhaps I might be allowed to assist the ladies in waiting when she arrives at the Palace. It would be nice, do you not think, for her to have someone nearer her own age?

My love as always to you, Papa and my brothers. I expect they are much grown by now and I look forward to seeing you all again soon.

Your ever obedient daughter

Matilde

Hoffburg Palace

Vienna

January 1854

My dearest Mama

I do hope you and Papa and the boys spent an enjoyable Christmas. I would have so loved to be there with you but it was not to be. Here at the Palace it was very quiet and I’m sure nobody would have noticed if I had not been here but, as you always told me, duty must come first.

Just before Christmas the Emperor went to visit Sisi to celebrate her sixteenth birthday and I believe there were many balls thrown in their honour.

I am longing for the time when Sisi is made the Empress and I will be able to see the banquets and balls with my own eyes. The other maids have shown me where it is possible to spy upon these events without being seen.

I have learned much since my arrival and am looking forward to the time when I can practice all my learning.

Did you know that the Archduchess only wears her shoes once or twice and then they are replaced? It is to the benefit of the maids who receive the cast off shoes and I am ever hopeful of being able to have a pair of Sisi’s shoes once she is Empress.

I am finding the winter hard here in the Palace and long for the time when I could sit with you and Papa around the fire.

Please tell him and the boys that I think of them often and remember them every night in my prayers.

Your loving daughter

Maltilde

Hoffburg Palace

Vienna

March 1854

Dearest Mama

I am so glad that spring is nearly with us again. The winter in Vienna has been long and hard. My hands are often raw and bleeding from the cold.

There is one piece of good news to cheer us all up. It is only one month before the wedding of the Emperor and Sisi and the whole country is turning into a sea of blue and white, the colours of Bavaria. There are new awnings outside every café and even the bonnets in the milliner’s windows are all in blue and white.

Every church is having its dome and steeple polished and a new bridge has been built across the river for the bride’s state entry into the city.

They say that every convent throughout the land is busy stitching the bride’s trousseau.

The Archduchess had been overseeing the decoration of the new Empress’s apartment in both the Hofburg and Schonbrunn Palaces and I have to say they look quite magnificent.

I have to tell you, dear Mama, of a near disaster here at the Palace. The Emperor commissioned the court jeweller to make Sisi a tiara as a personal present. We were all allowed to take a look and it was a beautiful crown studded with diamond stars. Quite the most lovely thing I have ever seen. Well, the Dowager Empress Caroline Augusta arrived to take a look, she bent too close and her shawl caught in one of the stars. The crown was sent crashing to the ground and all the ladies in waiting were murmuring about bad luck signs. The crown has been taken away for the jeweller to repair in time for the wedding and we have all been told not to make mention of this mishap to the new Empress for fear of upsetting her.

Dear Mama I do wish you and Papa could come to Vienna to see the wedding procession. It is sure to be like nothing you have ever seen before.

My love, as always to you and Papa.

Your loving daughter

Mathilde

Hoffburg Palace

Vienna

April 1854

Dearest Mama

They are married! The Emperor Francis Joseph and his bride the Empress Elizabeth looked so happy it is impossible not to believe that they will live together happily for the rest of their lives.

Sisi’s dress was white and silver strewn with myrtle blossom and made her look so fragile. I was lucky enough to see her as she left the palace as it would have been impossible to do so in the streets. There were so many people that it took them nearly an hour to travel the short distance to the church.

It was as she was leaving the carriage that her crown caught on the framework and, for a brief moment, looked as though it might slip from her head. She managed to adjust it and took the Emperor’s hand.

For just a second everyone who knew of the incident with the Dowager held their breath and the Emperor turned quite pale but all quickly recovered.

I know you will call me fanciful Mama but I cannot help but think that this may be an ill omen. I do hope I am wrong.

With much love from your daughter

Mathilde